Finally it is over, no more will we have to hear the banal twitterings of a thousand soap-boxers, no more shall the hideousness that was the election process in a country patently not ours be thrust upon us from every radio, screen, and piece of paper. He won, and He probably gets to keep the capital letter for a little while at least. Thank god the neo-con-hitlerjugends didn't get in again. We can all smoke a victory joint and publically dance in groups of three or more. Woot and way-hay.

Of course the big news is that it's my one year anniversary today - I left the shores of Blighty (well, Heathrow terminal 2) one year ago today bound for India, and an as yet unanticipated, unexpected and extremely ill-planned adventure. In about 19 hours I can celebrate the anniversary of my first international stitch-up and soon after the annual commemoration of the four people who scammed me, ripped me off, or took advantage for personal gain of a poor, misguided Englishman at large in Bombay. Meh, good luck to 'em though, we all gotta make a living somehow - and at least they only wanted a bit of money!

So I started compiling a list of stuff to do when I get back home. This isn't going to happen for at least another year yet, I have Plans, and they deserve the capital as well. When all these shenanigans are done with, however, there are a bunch of things I miss or have missed about the UK, and for my purposes as much as anyone elses they are listed below:

*** Drive around Hampshire in the Summer, because it's gorgeous when the sun shines over fields of golden-coloured wheat, through antique the windows into the sultry interior of country pubs, and on acres of bright green grass rolling over the landscape, and other such farty bollocks as a drugged poet might use to describe the place.

*** Visit Norwich because I was born there. So they tell me, anyway.

*** Visit cathedrals in Norwich, Salisbury, Durham, St. Pauls and Westminster abbey, Canterbury cathedral etc. Not for any reason besides that the big man of Christianity does get some of the best pads.

*** Go to Scotland, for various and nefarious purposes. I'd like to scuba dive Loch Ness and get to the highlands for those famous heather-strewn hills and mountains.

*** Get a girlfriend, for once. Like, it's about fucking time, I think it's fair to say.

*** Go clubbing in Manchester and Nottingham, and dance like a mad bastard for hours and hours in small darkened rooms listening to beepy electronic noises. A lot like playing pac-man on acid, in fact.

*** Go to Newquay festival because I've missed it at least twice in the past and haven't ever got down there, for any reason.

*** Go to Dartmoor in Devon. I remember the tors and marshes and, well, if I plan it out right and bring a large dog, a revolver and something phosphorous, I can pretend to be Sherlock Holmes. Oh, read the bloody book if you don't know what I mean.

*** See everyone I am friends with on Facebook in person. I think this is a rather brilliant idea, personally, with a couple of obvious qualifiers i.e. only people who actually are in the UK, and all of those who are actual friends, and not subscriber groups or similar. Also people who I actually like and not those few who are there because of some social weirdness, none of whom would be reading this of course :>

*** Sail on lake Windemere in the Summer - because it's supposed to be bloody mental with all the mad speedboaters and yacht-types and jetskiing lunatics zipping about threatening to convert tourists into sushi.

*** Have my friend Wayne, who is a blacksmith, make me a sword. Come on everyone secretly wants a sword, even some of you hippies :P

*** ...and...go to Africa on a subsequent and glorious trip, in the usual excessive manner

*** And go to Europe, likewise excessive and ridiculous in scale and composition.

There, that about seems to cover it for now.