This is a story about stories, from the fairytale world of the media. But first, these messages from our sponsors...

I have just finished a very nice snack of balled falafel in a restaurant with an unusually effusive introduction to its menu. Menus often have introductions, usually a welcoming line or two on the front itself or just inside the cover, they don't often contain a potted history of why this particular proprietor, exactly, wants you to have such a good meal, although sometimes phrases like "you will have the most excellent of gourmet foods here" and "we wish to show you the true goodness of the Indian cooking" crop up around this point.

One gathers from this little essay - occupying the entire opening page complete with a faded photo portrait, that he (the proprietor) had a mentor, now deceased, who seemingly represented the global zenith of benevolent gastronomy, at least in the eyes of this bloke. In some zen-like way the late chappie, one `Osho` of indeterminate surname, wanted to share and spread the message of world peace and unilateral military disarmament through the medium of food.

I think it's little gushing and over zealous, even for Indian English. The falafel, however, really was excellent.

Anyway I meant to keep this short - it's about the newspaper I read in the restaurant not the place itself. I swiped the latest edition of The Navhind, the official paper of Goa. Well, it's about as official as anything else is here, things are pretty much always `official` `guaranteed` and `best` in name only - the whole idea of advertising basically amounts to how much you can get away with before someone shouts "Oi!!" and pulls you up on your extravagant and unfounded claims. The Advertising Standards Authority would have arresting seizures within 90 minutes of landing here.

Right, the paper: some of the stories are .... interesting. More revealing, really. I made notes:

There was a `Gold Medal award for fire officer`, so ran the headline. `Plucky hero saves family/family pet` I'm thinking as I read, but it turns out he simply completed a 6 month training course in first place. O-kay then. It made The Navhind's page 2 because it was the first time the first place award was won by a Goan. Not quite the same as a heroic dash into a burning ruin is it? I'm guessing also that awards handed out for training courses that are more to do with typically bureaucratic Indian management schemes and procedural paperwork aren't worth a light, quite frankly. Still, nice headline.

The former Prime Minister of Pakistan (who's affairs are always closely tied with India's being that Pakistan is the Muslim part of an originally much larger country. It split because Islam & Hinduism just couldn't live together without squabbling, and they still kill each other over it near parts of the border. Well done God Squad, chalk yourselves up another point.) was assassinated a few days ago. Benazir Bhutto, female, former PM and up-till-recently leader of the opposition as well (she now does a nice line in martyrdom) was attacked after a party rally, there was at least one explosion and several gunshots, Bhutto was hit in the head at least once and the surgeon operating, in true gritty Indian style, was directly quoted in the paper: "part of her brain and a lot of blood were outside her head" ran the cheery report, and she died on the way to the hospital for all intents and purposes. Not surpised. Brains are notoriously hard to spoon back in, or so Igor tells me.

It was a suicide attack, but whether that applies to the bomber alone or whether the gunman/men were operating remotely and did the deed without losing their own precious claret was unclear.

One semi-crazed report outside the front page (the story was about the current PM's grief, sadness, call for international investigation - Scotland Yard are sending a team - and probably his personal absolution of sinful thoughts he might have had against his key political rival) claimed she wasn't shot with bullets but with lasers. Well fuck me, folks, I know a little about modern weapons and I tell you, that sounds just a touch unlikely.

It really wouldn't be necessary to use something like a bloody laser to kill a single person in a public space, and apart from the fact only the US, China, and possibly Russia have any kind of laser weaponry that can punch holes like those referred to, they are in fact generally mounted onto aircraft or the very heaviest of tanks, and cost a few million dollars each. I'm fairly certain they even cost tens of thousands of bucks just to deploy each time you want something wiped out.

It seems to me, and without getting too worryingly specific, that if you're going to that kind of trouble for an assassination then a modern laser-AIMED large calibre rifle of the anti-tank variety (may as well do it properly) set up a couple of miles away would do the job an awful lot more efficiently, and a good few million pounds cheaper. Call me crazy, but even evil-minded politicos and affronted fundamentalist eunuchs have to work to a budget.
Bhutto's wounds were apparently "injuries that were completey new to me" according to the eminent surgeon, which doesn't suggest anything so much as that he ought to get out into Afghanistan and Iraq if he wants to see the entire range of bodily perforations available to the modern ballistics victim. I'm sure he has seen urban gunshot wounds, I doubt he has seen what the United State's heavy armour penetration rounds can do to the human body.

Anyway it's a crackpot version of a shocking story - leader of the opposition shot and blown up in public. Shameful, not to mention irritating for all those near to her having nasty dry cleaning bills. if only someone had tried it on sleazy old Mickey Howard a year or so back, though, I would have written a personal cheque to Sketchleys myself.

A motorbike thief was caught after pinching a Honda in the town of candolim. This made news ahead of a whole load other stories, including one bout a domestic argument that ended rather draatically as the wife, after threatening to set fire to herself promptly laced her person generously with kerosene and put a match to herself, the husband, shocked, grief-stricken and plainly very much demented copied her and did the old `kerosene incineration death` himself. I mean, it's a bit melodramatic isn't it? There are easier ways, any number of tall buildings and freely dispensing pharmacies in this country, honestly. Still, anyway the bike thief. Why would it make page 3 of the state paper (`The paper you can trust`)? Maybe you might say nothing else happened yesterday, or maybe it's just so rare the police manage to leave the tourists alone in their eternal quest for baksheesh that they managed to catch an actual criminal.

I shall leave you to decide.

The odd thing is, the bike's registration number was clearly printed along with, if I'm not mitaken the name of the thief and the name of the rightful owner. Turns out printing vehicle registartions is a matter of course - every article to do with cars and bikes included, wherever possible, the makes, models and registration numbers of the particular vehicles, often with owners names somewhere in there as well. Traffic accidents involving 4 cars resulted in each identifying person and plate number appearig in a newspaper - do they really care THAT much about motoring? I never knew it was quite so serious.

This isn't especially short is it? Oh well, one to go;

There was a blockade of some road or other in protest of some new piece of legislation, I forget what. It was about land laws or property possesion laws or something. Anyway, a bunch of protesters formed a road block, so the police shot them and killed 3, several officers were also injured although how many wasn't mentioned.

What was that? A citizen's road block, made up of a human chain and a bunch of pissed-off members of the public, seemingly the worst foe an officer of the law could possibly ever face so clearly the only way to solve this one is, hey, we'll just have to shoot some of them dead, take aim, lads....
I would bet you large dollar amounts that more than 3 protesters were killed, I mean they had to fuck it up so gloriously I'd bet two or three times that many were blown away once they'd finished firing.
Oh yes, they called it a `firing` never a `shooting`. A less emotive and intentional term, perhaps.

There was a little quote here which really didn't do the situation much justice: "the Magistrate in charge ordered lathicharge ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baton_charge read it, it says a lot, and take a look at what a lathi actually IS too: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lathi ) then firing in the air. But when these measure failed to contain the agitators, police had to resort to firing".

Well rioting civilians can be nasty, I'm sure. A thrown brick can kill a man, if he isn't wearing riot gear and armour, and a sharp word about your personal ancestry can really hurt.

Not as much as a bullet though